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Hansel and Gretel
by Scott Teel
Hansel and Gretel, a brother and sister, lived with their poor parents near the big, scary forest. They were so poor, their parents couldn’t afford to feed them all, so, like all good parents, rather than sacrifice food for themselves, they took Hansel and Gretel into the big, scary forest and left them there to fend for themselves forever so that they could keep all the food for their fat, greedy selves.
And so Hansel and Gretel set off, with nothing but a loaf of bread. “Am I Hansel or Gretel?” Hansel asked, “Neither name sounds like a boy’s or girl’s name.”
“You’re Hansel,” Gretel told him. “I think.” After some time walking, Hansel asked Gretel for some bread.
“No,” Gretel said, “there’s only a tiny bit left.”
“What did you do, eat it all? What happened to that all-meat diet you were on?” Hansel asked, really peeved.
“No, I’ve been using it to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the woods, so we can find our way back to Mom and Dad’s house. I mean, I did also eat about half of it, as well, I suppose.”
“Okay,” Hansel said. “Let me tell you how stupid that is. First, they don’t want us back. Remember who brought us out here? Big guy with a beard? Used to call him ‘father?’ Second, I don’t see any bread crumbs behind us, because how are you supposed to find crumbs in a forest this big? Hello? Did you have a bowl of stupid for breakfast? Forget to pay the brain bill this month?”
“It doesn’t matter anyway, I saw birds eating them about six hours ago, following us,” said Gretel.
“Well, that’s just great,” Hansel replied. “Next time, soak the bread in poison so we can at least follow a trail of dead birds back.”
“What’s that!?!” cried Gretel, pointing at a small house that looked like it was made of candy.
“Why, it’s a small house that looks like it’s made of candy,” Hansel said. “I am so eating that house.”
“What! But it’s somebody’s house!”
“If you’re gonna build a house out of candy, you’ve gotta expect that it might get eaten. I’m sure whoever it is is insured for house eatment.”
“That’s extra per month, like flood insurance, so not everyone gets it.”
“Well, maybe if you hadn’t fattened up all the local birds with our bread, which was the only thing we had to eat, you know, I wouldn’t have to go and eat someone’s house, would I?”
“That’s not a sentence you hear every day,” Gretel remarked. Hansel took a large bite out of the house and began moving his molars around on the candy, masticating it in a process which many scientists now refer to as “chewing.”
“Ow!” he yelped. “I think I have a cavity.”
Suddenly a haggard old hag came out of the house. “Hey!” she yelled, haggishly, “I’m not insured for that!”
The woman took them in the house and announced that she was a witch. “Are you a good witch or a bad witch?” Gretel asked.
“Don’t ask that, I can’t afford a lawsuit from MGM for copyright infringement, kid,” the witch said, “But I am going to eat you.”
“Well that pretty much answers my question,” Gretel sighed.
The witch chained up Gretel and turned on her oven. “Candy house gets ‘em every time,” she chuckled, as she poked Hansel’s rump to judge tenderness.
“You know, this is cannibalism!” he snapped.
“Oh, you’d be surprised how many Martha Stewart recipes call for the flesh of little children,” she replied. Then she opened the oven and bent over in front of it, and Gretel saw an opportunity.
“Hansel!” she cried. “Push her into the oven, quick!”
 Hansel ran at the witch to push her in, but the witch had also heard Gretel, obviously, and stepped aside, letting Hansel run right into the oven, which she closed. Hansel began hollering in the hot oven, and Gretel would always remember his tender last words to her: “Gretel, you bitch, this is all your fault!”
“Can’t you let him out?” asked Gretel. 
The witch looked in the oven. “No, the button hasn’t popped up yet.”
But Gretel didn’t have to feel bad for Hansel for too long, because a few days later, after they’d finished up the leftovers with some cold Hansel sandwiches, she became a soup of the day.
The Moral of the Story is : brush carefully after each meal so you don’t get a cavity that will hurt when you’re eating a candy house, causing you to yelp and alert the cannibalistic witch inside. And remember that birds eat bread.
© 2005 Scott Teel |
