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Little Red Riding Hood
by Scott Teel
There once lived a little girl who always wore a red cloak with a hood, and so, like all children of that time, she took the name of the garment she was wearing and was called Little Red Riding Hood. Seriously.
One day her mother made some bread and told Red to take it to her sick grandmother in the next village. Little Red Riding Hood’s mother loved her, but she never told Red not to talk to wolves. Topic just never came up.
So Red Riding Hood took the bread, said farewell to her friends Little Jeans Too Tight and Little Banana Republic, and started off, over the river and through the woods, to grandmother’s house.
 As she traipsed along, a wolf saw her traipsing and decided to talk to her. He couldn’t eat her right away because there were woodsmen in the forest, and those jerks just look for any reason to gut a wolf, so instead he chatted with her.
“So,” he asked her, “where ya going?”
“Well,” Red said, not having ever learned that wolves can’t talk, “I’m bringing my grandmother some bread. She lives right in the next village, number 24 First Avenue, you know, you go down Main Street until you get to the statue of the ox and veer left, then make a left on Bowser, go two stop signs, make a right on Tiffany Drive, take that to Mabel Court, go past the school ‘til you reach First, make a left onto First, and when you see the covered bridge, you’re getting closer, you go about a mile past that and grandmother’s house is on the left, number 24, a thatched cottage with four garden gnomes in the yard and a fake deer.”
“I see,” said the wolf, using a highlighter to outline the route on a map. “Well, you have a good time, I’ll see you later…I mean, I’ll see you around….I mean, I’ll be eating you in a bit. I mean…never mind. Get going.”
The wolf took a shortcut (take First Avenue to grandma’s), while Red Riding Hood dawdled and dandled and fiddled and faddled and tipsied and turvied and screwed around, and he got to grandmother’s house way before Red did. He knocked on the door and grandmother called “Who is it?” and he replied “It’s your granddaughter, Red Riding Cape.”
“Do you mean Red Riding HOOD?” she asked.
“Yeah, that,” the wolf answered, “that’s me.”
“Pull the latch, the door’s open,” grandma shouted. Since people had kids much earlier back then, at age 16 or so, grandma was only 38, and nice and tender. The wolf was so hungry he pounced on grandma and ate her up, saving the gizzard for his aunt, the only one in the family who liked to eat that gross part. Then he climbed into bed to wait.
Soon, Red Riding Hood got to the door and knocked. “Yo,” said the wolf.
“Grandma?” asked Red. “Is that you?”
“Yeah,” replied the wolf, “I’m a little hoarse. Actually, I’m a big wolf. Ha! No, really, just kidding, come on in.”
 So Red pulled the latch and went in and saw the wolf lying in bed. Red was pretty stupid, so she totally fell for a wolf pretending to be her grandmother, species differences and all.
“My, grandma,” said Red Riding Hood. “What big teeth you have!”
“Oh, no, ask me about the teeth last, you’re ruining a good line for me!”
“Okay. My, what big eyes you have,” Red said.
“Thyroid condition,” replied the wolf.
“And my, what big ears you have.”
“I was teased mercilessly as a child.”
“And my what a big nose you have.”
“I’m saving for a rhinoplasty you insensitive little bitch.”
“Can I ask about the teeth now, or should I keep going?” Red Riding Hood asked.
“Oh, I guess you can ask about the teeth,” replied the wolf, who could hardly wait to use his good line.
“Is that a gizzard on the sink?” asked Red.
“Nnnnnnooo…,” said the wolf. “That’s my false tonsils.”
“Really,” Red continued. “Because it looks just like a human gizzard.” Red Riding Hood was familiar with the look of human gizzards because of television violence.
“Are you calling your grandmother a liar?” asked the wolf. “In my day, children respected their elders. I never talked back when I was a cub.”
“A cub?” asked Red.
“You gonna ask about the teeth or what?”
“Oh yeah. My, what big teeth you have, grandma.”
“All the better to eat you with, my dear!” cried the wolf, who then pounced on Red Riding Hood and ate her up. Actually, since he was still full from eating grandma, he only picked at Red’s carcass a little. It was really kind of a waste. The wolf decided to go screw around with this kid Peter he knew until he was hungry again, and then he’d eat him.
The Moral of the Story Is : Make sure you see grandma’s dentures in the glass next to the bed before you ask her about her teeth.
© 2005 Scott Teel |
