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Sleeping Beauty
by Scott Teel

Once, not twice, just once, upon a time, there lived a king and queen who decided to have a child. But they had a pretty difficult time of it, so they hired seven fairy godmothers to help them. It was pretty kinky having seven fairies watch them while they got it on, chanting “Go sperm go!” but they got past it and kind of enjoyed it after a while.

Eventually, with the help of the seven fairy godmothers and a fertility clinic, the queen got knocked up. Soon she gave birth to a baby girl, and the king decided to throw a lavish party to celebrate. He invited everyone in the whole kingdom, even the guy who pushed him down when he was little, and had special boxes of gold and jewels made up for the seven fairy godmothers, who would each give the baby a gift of their own at the shindig.

There was actually one person not invited, and that was an old fairy who lived way out in an old castle and kept to herself. Everyone thought she was dead, because no one had seen her in so long, but she had just been cooped up lately working on a screenplay.

The day of the party came, and the guests poured in, including the fairies, and everyone was surprised to see the old fairy there as well, looking really pissed off that she hadn’t been invited. Not to mention there was no gold box for her, and owning a gold box was something she’d dreamed of since she was a child fairy, a fairyette.

“We thought you were dead!” the king and queen told the old fairy.

“That didn’t work for my prom date and it won’t work for you,” she said. “Now here’s my gift to your child: one day she will prick her finger on a spindle and die. Ta.” And she left.

The guests were aghast, but one fairy saved the day. “I can’t undo the spell of that bitch completely, but here’s the deal: she won’t die when she pricks her finger, she’ll just fall asleep until a prince kisses her. That sounds complicated enough.”

“Can’t you just have her fall asleep for a week or something?” asked the king.

“Hey, I get to have some fun here too, you know. The deal is a prince has to kiss her, capiche?”

The king and queen did try to prevent the spindle-pricking anyway, by banning all spindles in the kingdom. As a result, the kingdom went nudist, since no one could make any clothes without a spindle. The garment district was pretty ticked off, as you can imagine.

But a spell’s a spell, and eventually the king and queen made the mistake of venturing a little too far on a vacation, where the spindle ban had not been heard of, and of course, their young daughter, now in her teens, had to go and screw around with the first spindle she saw, and bam, she pricked her finger and fell into a deep sleep.

The king and queen were beside themselves, which is a pretty cool trick, if you can do it, which I can’t. It’s like rolling your tongue, you either can do it or you can’t. They put their daughter, who was beautiful and was sleeping, and so was now called Sleeping Beauty, real original, in a big bed in the castle. The good fairy came back and decided, if Sleeping Beauty woke up in a hundred years and everyone was dead and gone, she might freak, so she made everyone and everything associated with the castle fall asleep too, right where they were standing. One guy almost hit his head when he fell down. It was a pretty shoddy job the fairy did in that respect, but that’s the way standards were going. Nowadays you’d be lucky to get a nap out of a fairy.

For some reason, the king and queen were left awake to go somewhere else to live, probably because the kingdom needed a king, and eventually the castle was overgrown with thick forest, vines, and trees, and the inevitable crab grass.

A hundred years passed, and one day a young prince was hunting and saw the castle’s spires in the distance. Everyone he asked had a different story about the mystery castle. One person said an ogre lived there. Another said that it was haunted. A third told him that a game-show host lived there with a live studio audience. As scary as these things were, the prince decided to go check it out.

As he approached the castle, the vines and trees parted before him, which was something trees had never done for him before. Finally he entered the courtyard of the castle, where he found a deathly stillness and the creepy sight of a bunch of dead naked people. Upon closer inspection, he noticed that they were all sleeping, but none of them would awaken, so he decided to fondle the women. Eventually, he fondled his way into the castle and up to Sleeping Beauty’s room.

“Now here’s a hottie,” thought the prince. “She’s so beautiful, I shall kiss her instead of fondling her. Then I’ll fondle her.” Why he’d want to kiss a comatose naked stranger is beyond me, but look, the guy had already fondled half the castle’s women, so he obviously had some perversions. He planted a kiss on Sleeping Beauty’s lips and she awakened immediately, and ran right to the bathroom to pee, because a hundred years is a long time to hold it, man. Everyone else in the castle had awakened as well, so long lines formed outside all the bathrooms (longer for the women’s rooms, as usual).

When Sleeping Beauty returned from the can, the prince said, “Now I shall make you my wife, and we will live happily ever after.”

“Happily ever after?” she asked. “That’s a weird expression. Why not just say, ‘happily forever?’”

“Do we have to argue about this?” he asked.

“I think we should discuss our problems, not keep them bottled up.”

“What problems? We don’t have any problems.”

“See, that is so like you to think that,” she replied. “I expected that from you.”

“Okay, you’re right,” he said. “We’ll live happily forever.”

And that’s how the prince learned that make-up sex was worth agreeing to anything for, and they did live happily forever.

The Moral of the Story Is : Some stories have no morals.