Scott Teel’s

The Nursery Rhyme News ™

Scientists Discover Composition of Little Boys, Girls
Snips, Snails, Puppy Dog’s Tails, Sugar, Spice, Everything Nice Cited

Scientists stated today that they have now discovered what little boys and little girls are made of, in an announcement hailed as one of the great scientific achievements of the decade.

Researchers at Mother Goose University performed studies on thousands of little boys and little girls, and have conclusively determined that little boys are made of “snips and snails and puppy dog’s tails,” and little girls are made of “sugar and spice and everything nice.”

The findings refute thousands of years of scientific presumptions that little boys and little girls were made of flesh, blood, organs, cells, water, and bone; the predominating theory in scientific communities for centuries. The results of the studies will be presented in this week’s journal of science Biological Stuff.

“We were virtually certain of our findings more than a year ago, but we wanted to get irrefutable evidence before we went to the scientific community with the study’s results,” stated lead scientist Matthew Owens. “It’s a very exciting day for us all.”

For years, scientists had apparently wasted time on the incorrect logic that little boys and little girls were composed of the same basic elements as all living mammals, and were assembled similarly, with cells containing nuclei, warm, oxygen-rich blood pumped by a chambered heart, lungs, bones for support, a brain, nervous system, and various organs that fulfilled vital life functions. “All that was nonsense, just hokum,” remarked biologist Jason Cohen of Cornell University. “We’ve haven’t even been barking up the wrong tree, we’ve been barking up the wrong…uh…you know…something not a tree. Now, when we ask, ‘What are little boys made of?’ we can answer confidently, ‘Snips and snails and puppy dog’s tails. That’s what little boys are made of.’”

When asked what a “snip” was, Owens stated, “It’s like, a little piece of something cut off with a scissors.”

The scientists point out that while little girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice, they may also contain traces of peanuts, and those allergic to nuts should be aware. It has also been suggested that little boys reduce their salt intake, as salt may shrivel their snail components.

Differences amongst little boys and little girls, such as hair color, eye color, freckles, etc., are not caused due to genetics, as was previously thought. Instead, according to Owens, different physical features among the little boys and little girls are caused by the differing types of snips (for boys) and spices (for girls) that make up their biosystem. “For example, girls who have more Asian spices in them will look more Asian,” Owens explained. “Girls with more South American spices in them will look more South American. And so on.”

All children at the local hospital who were awaiting organ transplants have been taken off the donor lists and told they can go home, since it has now been determined they don’t actually have organs. The sick little girls were told to eat more candy to shore up their sugar systems, while the sick little boys were instructed to eat more snails, which didn’t go over quite as well. Plans are also underway to close all girls’ juvenile detention centers and let the girls back into general society, as they have obviously been wrongly detained since they are made of “everything nice.”

“Someone made of everything nice wouldn’t shoplift cigarettes,” commented Sister Mary Catherine Jamaica of the Naughty Girls Juvenile Detention Place. “And she certainly wouldn’t go on a murder spree like we all thought little Lynne Bonham did. I don’t know where she got a hold of the murder weapon and how she got covered in the blood and gore of the victims and had human remains pumped from her stomach, but looking back with twenty-twenty hindsight, we clearly imprisoned an innocent. We’ve already released her, but the poor girl has nowhere to go, because someone slaughtered and ate her family. Probably a little boy.

“And after all the years she spent in our incarceration center, when she left, all she asked of us was to let her have a single knife.”

The new data also disproves the assertion made for years that little girls have cooties, since cooties are known not to be anything “nice,” and therefore can not, by definition, be on a little girl. “It’s like the paradox of going back in time to kill your grandfather,” Owens explained. “It simply can’t be done. If you did it, you wouldn’t be born to be able to go back to do it, so you can’t do it. Little girls can not have cooties because little girls are only made of everything nice. It’s absolutely impossible.”

The implications of the research are startling. Though little boys and little girls appear to be bipedal hominids, descended from primitive human ancestors, they are, in reality, a complex conglomeration of condiments or other animal parts. The resemblance of the penis of little boys to a snail now seems obvious: it is a snail. The reason we have subconsciously referred to little girls as “sweet” through the ages: they literally are made of a sweet substance. The song “How Much is That Doggie in the Window” can now be seen in its true light, as a subtle reference to the selling of little boys, who are made of doggie tails, into slavery.

It will take some time for the amazing discovery to settle in. Pediatrician Andrew Ossing sat in shock in his office. “I don’t even know what to say. All of my years of medical school, for nothing. Years of treating children for illnesses and injuries and knowing now that I was doing more harm than good. Twenty years of being on the cutting edge of medical science, and now I have no way to make a living. I might have to sell Avon, since makeup is the only other thing I know much about. I dress as a woman on the weekends...in fact, the reason I became a doctor is that the lab coat I wear all day feels a little like a skirt.”

For their next project, the team at Mother Goose University is going to investigate the controversial theory that little boys and little girls are not, in fact, created through sexual congress between men and women, but actually as a result of an as yet unstudied interaction between birds and bees.

© 2005 Scott Teel