Scott Teel’s

The Nursery Rhyme News ™

Humpty Dumpty Found Dead
Fall From Wall Kills Popular Talking Egg

Humpty Dumpty, the popular egg who would always greet people as they passed beneath the wall he sat on daily, was found dead at the foot of the wall yesterday. It has not yet been determined if the ovoid celebrity was the victim of foul play.

“We are not ruling anything out at this point,” said police spokesman Ham Woksel. “All we can say so far is that he came off the wall somehow and is definitely deceased. There are signs that he may have been pushed, but I can’t confirm that at this point.”

Dumpty was found in several pieces yesterday by Little Jack Horner, who was so traumatized that, since discovering the scene, he has simply sat in a corner, able to mourn only by sticking his thumb into pies.

“If that’s how he lets it out, it’s okay,” said his mother. “Keeping the sadness bottled up will only damage him more. I’m running out of pie crust, though.”

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men were summoned to the site immediately to try to resuscitate Dumpty, but the egg was beyond repair, and several of the king’s men were overcome by the grisly scene when they arrived.

“Three of the king’s men became ill and one did pass out,” Woksel related. “I can’t blame them, it was a horrible sight. There was a time when I got sick at the sight of yolk myself, it’s something you have to get used to dealing with.”

A yolk transplant would have been attempted, but a severe yolk shortage has put stocks dangerously low, and it had been determined that Dumpty was beyond revival.

“It’s unfortunate, but this may spur some folks into donating yolk now, at least,” said Yellow Cross Donation Center spokeswoman Diane Schultz.

Dumpty lay under a white sheet while police began investigating and photographing the scene, until a spatula finally arrived to clean up his remains.

Dumpty’s death has shocked the community. “He was such a good egg,” says Louise Jergins, who passed by Dumpty on his wall daily. “I just can’t believe it. He was always able to balance so well, even for such a freakishly large egg wearing pants…”

Such comments are being made by many of Dumpty’s associates, which, according to a source, is leading police to suspect the egg was pushed from his perch. Suspects being investigated include members of the American Heart Association, which has always had a vendetta against eggs; the Cadbury Easter bunny, who has been laying candy eggs since Dumpty allegedly got her pregnant, and blames him for making her a slave to the chocolate industry; actor Brad Pitt, the bitter illegitimate son that Humpty never has publicly recognized; and billionaire computer mogul Bill Gates, who has long sought the title of “World’s Biggest Egghead,” but always had to play second fiddle to Dumpty.

Alleged ties to the mafia are also being investigated. “Oh, he was a big gambler,” noted a local resident, who asked not to be identified. “I know he bet a lot of dough against that cow jumping over the moon, and he lost. He thought it was a sure thing. I mean, who thinks a cow could jump over the moon, right? And he wasn’t the only one fell for it, either. The dish and the spoon, they put a lotta money up against the cow too. But they was smart, see, they ran away. They’re in the witness protection program. Last I heard, they was hiding out in a china cabinet in Arizona, posing as part of a Lennox collection.”

The theory that the mafia may have been involved seems unlikely, since the killing was not done in the mafia’s usual style.

“When the mafia wants to send a message, they make sure people know who did it,” says mob expert Don Giovanni. “It’s not like them to just shove someone off a wall and leave everyone wondering. He probably would have just disappeared, or ended up in a carton in a refrigerated supermarket aisle somewhere.”

Calls to Brad Pitt’s home and agent were not answered, but his wife, actress Jennifer Aniston, did release a statement claiming that her husband “was shocked to hear of the tragic loss of Humpty Dumpty.” Though they had unsettled issues, she said Pitt would never commit fratri-ovicide, even after being relegated to garbage status by Dumpty. “It’s a shame,” she finished. “Everyone thinks eggs don’t have Pitts. But this one did.”

© 2005 Scott Teel